Lately, I’ve come to realize that I really don’t know anyone in my particular stage of life. We have tons of friends that are married – with kids – and quite a few friends that are single. I have a few friends that have been in long-term committed relationships that aren’t married, but I really don’t have any friends that are married without kids.
Of course my husband and I have talked about having kids and most of the time we think we are ready. For the last year, we have done nothing to prevent pregnancy, with the thought that if God decides we can handle it then it will happen.
You see, I waiver back & forth… one day I’m yearning to have a baby and the next I’m
hesitant scared to death. Now, I have a pretty high pain threshold, but I also have a real aversion to doctors, needles, hospitals, and generally any stranger poking & prodding me. I get nausea and my blood pressure goes up just thinking about it.
While my husband & I have discussed it a lot, I want to talk about it more and more with the “what-ifs” and “hypothetically”. He has a little A.D.D. so in the middle of an intent discussion he’s all “oh, look shiny!” – which only frustrates me even more.
So, here I am.
I’ve known since I was little that I wanted to be a mommy. With that said, I’ve also known that I wanted to be able to support myself – I never wanted to be in a situation where I had to rely on a man or someone else. I love my job and I’m pretty sure that even if I did have a baby that I would want to come back to work (at least for awhile – not to mention, right now I’d have to for monetary reasons).
Then there’s the fact that I’m no longer a spring chicken and I’m only getting older. I have a few more good years, but I’ve known women who tried for years before it happened. I don’t want to run out of time. I have a friend who tried for awhile before finding out that there were issues with both her and her husband that were preventing them from conceiving naturally. She tried several methods, including having to give herself a shot everyday, etc. Honestly, I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through that.
And, of course we’ve talked about the possibility of adoption. Both of us are completely open to it, but we do have some concerns. There are so many children that need loving homes, this could be a perfect fit for us. I feel like the older kids get pushed aside because most families want to adopt a newborn, which is understandable because you can build a bond easily and much quicker. But, the older kids sometimes need that loving home so much more. (Not to mention adopting an older child would alleviate some of the anxiety I have about childbirth and pregnancy).
I do know a couple that have fostered children, until the parents were able to get back on track. And, although not officially adopted, my mom has had custody of four little ones for the past five years. I know how easily I got attached to those children so I wonder if I were to foster that I would have an extremely hard time letting go.
And, there are the horror stories of adopting older children who end up having severe behavior problems. A friend’s parents adopted an 8 year old boy a few years ago and in the past few years they’ve had a real difficult time with him, psychological & emotional issues, etc. Is it because of the trauma he may have suffered before being adopted or it is just regular teen boy adolescence…?
It’s such a difficult and hard decision; the more I think about it the more confused I think I get. I’ll just continue to pray about it and hopefully soon, I’ll get some kind of a sign from up above.